Joke #68 - March-May 2009

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One day a man went to visit a church. He arrived early, parked his car, and got out. Another car pulled up near him, and the driver told him, "I always park there. You took my place!"

The visitor went inside for Sunday School, found an empty seat and sat down. A young lady from the church approached him and stated, "That's my seat! You took my place!" The visitor was somewhat distressed by this rude welcome, but said nothing.

After Sunday School the visitor went into the church sanctuary and sat down. Another member walked up to him and said, "That's where I always sit. You took my place!" The visitor was even more troubled by this treatment, but still said nothing.

Later, as the congregation was praying for Christ to dwell among them, the visitor stood, and his appearance began to change. Horrible scars became visible on his hands and on his sandaled feet. Someone from the congregation noticed him and called out, "What happened to you?"

The visitor replied, "I took your place!"

Low in the grave He lay, Jesus my Saviour!
Waiting the coming day, Jesus my Lord!

Up from the grave He arose
With a mighty triumph o'er His foes
He arose a Victor from the dark domain
And He lives forever with His saints to reign
He arose!
He arose!
Hallelujah! Christ arose!

Vainly they watch His bed, Jesus my Saviour!
Vainly they seal the dead, Jesus my Lord!

Up from the grave He arose
With a mighty triumph o'er His foes
He arose a Victor from the dark domain
And He lives forever with His saints to reign
He arose!
He arose!
Hallelujah! Christ arose!

Death cannot keep his prey, Jesus my Saviour!
He tore the bars away, Jesus my Lord!

Up from the grave He arose
With a mighty triumph o'er His foes
He arose a Victor from the dark domain
And He lives forever with His saints to reign
He arose!
He arose!
Hallelujah! Christ arose!

Robert Lowry, (1826-1899)

After seventeen years of marriage, my wife wanted me to take another woman out to dinner and a movie. She said, "I love you, but I know this other woman loves you and would love to spend some time with you."

The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my MOTHER, who had been alone for twenty years, but the demands of my work and my two boys had made it possible to visit her only occasionally.

That night, I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a movie.

"What's wrong, aren't you well?" she asked.

My mother is the type of woman who suspects that a late night call or a surprise invitation is a sign of bad news.

"I thought it would be pleasant to spend some time with you," I responded. "Just the two of us." She thought abut it for a moment, and then said, "I would like that very much."

That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a bit nervous. When I arrived at her house, I noticed that she, too, seemed to be nervous about our date. She waited in the doorway. She had curled her hair and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last birthday on November 19th.

We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant, was very nice and cozy. My mother took my arm as if she were the First Lady. After we sat down, I had to read the menu. Her eyes could only read large print. Half way through the entries, I lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at me. A nostalgic smile was on her lips. "It was I who used to have to read the menu when you were small," she said. "Then it's time that you relax and let me return the favor," I responded.

During the dinner, we had an agreeable conversation - nothing extraordinary but catching up on recent events in each other's life. We talked so much that we missed the movie.

As we arrived at her house later, she said, "I'll go out with you again, but only if you let me invite you." I agreed.

"How was your dinner date?" asked my wife when I got home. "Very nice. Much more so than I could have imagined," I answered.

A few days later, my mother died of a massive heart attack. It happened so suddenly that I didn't have a chance to do anything for her.

Some time later, I received an envelope with a copy of a restaurant receipt from the same place Mother and I had dined. An attached note said: "I paid this bill in advance. I wasn't sure that I could be there; but nevertheless, I paid for two plates - one for you and the other for your wife. You will never know what that night meant for me. I love you, son."

At that moment, I understood the importance of saying in time: "I LOVE YOU" and of giving our loved ones the time that they deserve. Nothing in life is more important than your family. Give them the time they deserve, because these things cannot be put off till "some other time."

Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you've had a baby.
Somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother, "normal" is history.

Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct.
Somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.

Somebody said being a mother is boring.
Somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit.

Somebody said if you're a "good mother" your child will "turn out good."
Somebody thinks a child comes with directions and a guarantee.

Somebody said you don't need an education to be a mother.
Somebody never helped a fourth grader with his math.

Somebody said you can't love the second child as much as you love the first.
Somebody doesn't have two children.

Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery.
Somebody never watched her "baby" get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten, or on a plane headed for military "boot camp."

Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her child gets married.
Somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a mother's heartstrings.

Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child leaves home.
Somebody never had grandchildren.

Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don't need to tell her.
Somebody isn't a mother.

After the christening of his baby brother in church, our young son sobbed all the way home. I asked him three times what was wrong. Finally he replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I really want to stay with you guys."

Who said, "My soul glorifies the Lord."

Mary
Martha
Elizabeth

Answer

Who said, "Am I my brother's keeper?"

Cain
Abel
Jesus

Answer

Who said, "Ah, Sovereign LORD, I do not know how to speak; I am only a child."

Isaiah
Jeremiah
Joshua

Answer

Who said, "Lord, if it's you, tell me to come to you on the water."

Peter
James
John

Answer

Who said, "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests."

Shepherds
Wise Men
Angels

Answer

Who said, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart."

Abraham
Job
Moses

Answer

Who said, "Make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowleldge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance..."

Peter
James
John

Answer

Who said, "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will."

Daniel
Hosea
Jesus

Answer

Who said, "O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue."

Jeremiah
Joshua
Moses

Answer

Who said, "Will you sweep away the righteous with the wicked? What if there are fifty righteous people in the city?"

Abraham
Ezekiel
Saul

Answer

Who said, "Speak, for your servant is listening."

David
Paul
Samuel

Answer

Who said, "Woe to me! ... For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty."

Isaiah
Jeremiah
Samuel

Answer

Who said, "I am the voice of one calling in the desert, 'make straight the way for the Lord.'"

Jesus
Paul
John the Baptist

Answer

Who said, "O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing.'"

James
Jesus
Zecharias

Answer

Who said, "Do not merely listen to the word and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.'" Or, "Be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves." (KJV)

Peter
James
Matthew

Answer

Who said, "Silver or gold I do not have, but what I have I give you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk.'"

James
Paul
Peter

Answer

Who said, "May the LORD keep watch between you and me when we are away from each other.'"

Laban
Joshua
Nehemiah

Answer

Who said, "Sovereign Lord, as you have promised, you now dismiss your servant in peace. For my eyes have seen your salvation.'"

Jesus
Paul
Simeon

Answer

Who said, "As soon as the sound of your greeting reached my ears, the baby in my womb leaped for joy.'"

Mary
Martha
Elizabeth

Answer

Who said, "In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple.'"

Peter
Isaiah
Jeremiah

Answer

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