'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house
not a program was working, not even a browse.

The programmers were wrung out, too mindless to care,
knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer.
The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
while visions of inquiries danced in their heads.

When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my cube to see what was the matter!
And what to my wondering eyes should appear
but a super programmer, oblivious to fear.

More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
and he whistled and shouted and called them by name.
'On update! On add! On inquiry! On delete!
On batch jobs! On closing! On functions complete!'

His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean
from weekends and nights in front of the screen.
A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head
soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
turning specs into code, then turned with a jerk,
and laying his finger on the 'ENTER' key,
the system came up and worked perfectly!

The updates updated, the deletes they deleted,
the inquiries inquired, and the closing completed.
He tested each whistle, and tested each bell
with nary an abend, and all had gone well.

The system was finished, the tests were concluded.
The client's last changes were even included!!
And the client exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt,
'It's just what I asked for, but it's not what I want!'

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the nets
Not a mouse was stirring, not even the pets.

The floppies were stacked by the modem with care
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The files were nestled all snug in a folder
The screen saver turned on, the weather was colder.

And leaving the keyboard along with my mouse
I turned from the screen to the rest of the house.

When up from the drive there arose such a clatter
I turned to the screen to see what was the matter.

Away to the mouse I flew like a flash,
Zoomed open a window in fear of a crash...

The glow from the screen on the keyboard below
Gave an electronic luster to all my macros.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a little sleigh icon with eight tiny reindeer

And a tiny disk driver so SCSI and quick
I knew in a nano it must be Saint Nick.

More rapid than trackballs his cursors they came,
He whistled and shouted and faxed them by name.

"Now Flasher! Now Dasher! Now Raster and Bixel!
On Phosphor! On Photon! On Baudrate and Pixel!

To the top of the stack. To the top of the heap."
Then each little reindeer made a soft beep.

As data that before the wild electrons fly,
When they meet with a node, mount to the drive,

So up to the screentop the cursors they flew
With a sleigh full of disks and databits, too.

And then in a twinkling I heard the high whine
Of a modem connecting at a baud rate so fine.

As I gazed at the screen with a puzzling frown
St. Nicholas logged on though I thought I was down.

He was dressed all in bytes from header to footer
And the words on the screen said "Don't you reboot 'er."

A bundle of bits he had flung on his back
And he looked like a programmer starting his hack.

His eyes how they glazed, his hair was so scary,
His cola was jolt, not flavored with cherry.

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a GIF
And the pixels of his beard sure gave me a lift.

The stump of a routine he held tight in his code
And I knew he had made it past the last node.

He spoke not a word but looked right at me
And I saw in a flash his file was .SEA.

He self-decompressed and I watched him unfold,
Into a jolly old elf, a sight to behold.

And the whispering sound of my hard drive's head
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He went straight to his work without saying a word
And filled all the folders of this happy nerd.

And 'tis the whole truth, as the story is told,
That giving a nod up the window he scrolled,

He sprang to the serial port as if truly on fire
And away they all flew down the thin copper wire.

But I heard him exclaim as he scrolled out of sight
"Happy Christmas to All, and to all a good night."

Santa Claus Is Not Coming To Town (He's Surfin' the Net)
by Patrick Holland

I've just received some shocking news, via e-mail sent from the North Pole. While I'm not at liberty to identify my source, I can say his email address is that of "blitzen@npole.com." I fear the worst.

The situation being as it is, I feel it's my duty as a journalist to pass along to the children of this country whatever information has been sent to me. As a human being, though, I wish I could just close my eyes and make it all go away....

The message reads as follows:

Urgent! I send this in hopes someone can help! Christmas is in jeopardy!! Santa Claus has become a recluse up here, and rumor around camp has it he's going to sit this year out. For the past two months, thousands of children have foregone their traditional requests for bikes, dolls, little puppies and Scooter Pies and instead have asked for computer modems that will allow them to "Surf the Net."

Santa, confused by such a huge demand for phone utensils, took it upon himself two weeks ago to check out the Internet and see what the fuss was all about. He hasn't left his room since...

NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.

The announcement also included a notice that beginning Jan 1, 1995, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court. Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict.

When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We'll use it first for the release of Windows 95 and Office 95."

In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 95 trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal.

Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft Organization. This will take some time, so don't expect any changes this year." She continued, "our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 95. It will be bigger and better than last year." She further elaborated that "Windows users who sign up with MS Network will get sneak previews of Christmas[95] as early as November first."

Christmas 95 is scheduled for release in December of 1995, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 1996. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year's economy and the nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. "But it could be good in the long term," he explained. "With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year."

When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that "Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good long term business," suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans.

Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld pending final FTC approval, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was "sizeable, even for a man of Santa's stature." Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year 'round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond.

A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached for comment.

The Twelve Bugs of Christmas

For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
"See if they can do it again."

For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
"Ask them how they did it, and
see if they can do it again."

(similarly)

Tell them it's a feature,

say it's not supported

change the documentation

blame it on the hardware

find a way around it

say they need an upgrade

reinstall the software

ask for a dump!

run with the debugger

try to reproduce it

ask them how they did it, and

see if they can do it again.